The "Hopefully" Ugly Face of Comedy

I've recently had people start pointing out to me that I'm losing my hair.  And by "people" I mean complete strangers.  Some people would be offended or disheartened by these comments, but I take them as a good sign for my stand-up comedy career.  While most people (especially those in the entertainment business) would suffer a career setback with the loss of their looks, I am fortunate to work in the only industry where it helps to be homely.
  There's a reason why attractive people don't do stand-up comedy.  And it's not because it's so easy to get work on "The Bachelorette".  The truth is no one wants to laugh at someone who is good looking.  Not because what they said isn't funny, but because it doesn't sound funny coming out of a good looking face.

When you think about comedy, almost all jokes are about you laughing at someone's expense.  Either you are laughing at yourself, laughing at a third party (a person in a story), or laughing at the person who is telling the joke.  A good comic will mix all three types into their set, but because people can only laugh at themselves for so long before getting pissed, and because comics can only make fun of other people for so long before people start thinking of them as a jerk, the wide majority of jokes you will hear on stage involve the comic making fun of themselves. 

Self deprecating jokes are the safest jokes you can tell.  People are always comfortable laughing at someone who asked for it.  Hence the first joke 90% of comics make is a rip on them self, most often their appearance.  This is why fat comics have so many jokes about being fat, short comics joke about being short, and ugly people talk about their looks. 

I've often argued that nothing bad can ever happen to a stand-up comic because all it does is give them more material that they can use on stage.  Gaining weigh, getting older, and losing your hair are all fodder for new jokes.  The problem with attractive people is if they don't suffer from these flaws they can't joke about them without sounding like they are either bragging or lying. 

Think of several famous comedian.  George Carlin, Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, or Jay Leno.  None of them may qualify as ugos, but they're definitely not on any sexiest celebs list.  The same is true for female comics such as Phyllis Diller, Rosanne, and even Ellen DeGeneres (sorry every lesbian ever, but it's true).

Comics who hit it big are a lot more likely to be extremely goofy looking.  Just look at the success of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.  Larry the Cable Guy is probably the best example of a comic who has exaggerated his bad looks for self deprecating humor.  (I'm sure it was a lot easier then writing good jokes.)

The truth is it is easier to laugh at someone who you think is below your status then it is to laugh at someone who is above your status.  This same psychology is why the best comedy rooms are when the comic is not on a raised stage (where the audience is below them looking up), but when the audience is in theater seats (looking down at the comic).

I also believe this is one of the reasons why women have a hard time succeeding in comedy.  If the female comic is even slightly good looking the women in the audience feel threatened and automatically dislike her, and the men in the audience stop listening to what she's saying and start imagining her naked.  If the woman is gay or unattractive (such as Ellen or Rosanne) both of those "distractions" are removed and the female comic can succeed on her own merit.  Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but I would estimate 90% or more of successful female comics fall into one of the two categories.

Does any of this mean that good looking people can't do stand-up?  Of course not.  It does mean that they do have a natural handicap while less attractive people have a natural advantage.  It's almost an exact reverse of any other job. 

So I don't mourn the loss of my hair (or as I call it the "growing of my forehead").  Instead I embrace the inevitable decline of my looks and the expansion of my waist.  If all goes as planned I'll hit it big just about the time that I'm too ugly for any groupies. 

Why Fish Doesn't Count as Meat

An Irishman walks into a bar.  The bartender says "Hi!  Can I get you a Guinness?"

"No thanks," says the Irishman.  "I gave up beer for Lent."

"Well then I guess you'll want a whiskey", says the bartender.

"Yes," says the Irishman.  "Make it a double."



This is one of those jokes that's funny because it's true.  This month the season of Lent kicked of.  It's a period of observance and sacrifice that most Christian faiths follow as a lead-in to Easter.  For those who don't go to church very often it means you should look at a calendar, because one of the two church services of the year that you attend is coming up soon.t

For Catholics, like myself, Lent is a time of the year when we amp up our Catholic guilt to 11.  Most "good" Catholics increase their charity work and at the same time try to "give up" a vice.  For example this year the Pope gave up being the Pope.  The day before Lent begins is called Fat Tuesday, better known as Mardi Gras.  It's supposed to be a day when holy people could eat, drink, and get their fill of vices before having to give them up.  My guess is most of the people throwing beads in New Orleans aren't going to church the next day.

Unfortunately some slightly less than good Catholics, like myself, sometimes replace an old vice with a new one.  (See the joke above)  What someone gives up is unique to each person, but the church does make some blanket reservations for the entire congregation.  The most well known of which is no meat on Fridays. 

Those who were alive during WWII may remember that Catholics used to abstain from eating meat on every Friday during the year.  It's probably one or the reason sales of Mac N Cheese were so strong in Boston.  In the 60's the Pope decided that meatless Fridays was too hard for most people and decided to reduce the meat restriction to Friday's during Lent.  Hence modern Catholics like myself only have to remember 6 days of the year that we aren't supposed to eat meat.  Most of us remember this about halfway through eating a cheeseburger.

One of the interesting exemptions to the "no meat on Friday" rule is fish.  While beef, pork, poultry, lamb, and all other land creatures are forbidden, Catholics are allowed to eat as much fish as we want.  Many people might ask why fish doesn't count as meat.  These people might also be Catholics.  My entire life I've asked why fish isn't meat and I've never gotten an answer.  From what I've learned there is no answer.  All I've ever been told is "it just doesn't count as meat."

Someone told me once that they thought fish doesn't count because it's the only animal that Jesus ever ate in the bible. I'm no biblical scholar, but I don't ever remember Jesus talking about being a fish vegetarian.

My best guess is since most of the apostles were fishermen before they began hanging out with Jesus that they pushed for the exemption to help their fellow co-workers.  For those of you who think I'm being blasphemous I want to point out that I'm a professional comedian and if you're a good Christian then you'll forgive me.

 

How to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket

There is a joke I use on stage where I talk about a black comic friend who insists that I do all the driving on a road trip because police won't give a white person a speeding ticket.  The punchline of the joke is when I tell my friend that I'll drive, but if someone cuts us off he has to shoot them.  The joke almost always gets a laugh, but almost as often it causes someone to shout out "it's true"!

While I personally don't believe police have ever given me special treatment because of the color of my skin I will be the first to admit the coppers love me.  In the 15 years I have been behind the wheel of a car I have been pulled over by police about a dozen times and have only been given one ticket.  That's the kind of record a big breasted woman with a closet full of v-necks would be proud of.  Unfortunately a thinning hairline doesn't have the same appeal as a busty bosom so I have to do something very fiendish to talk my way out of tickets....  I don't try to.

A lot of people will try to lie to a police officer.  Other will flirt or offer fake compliments.  None of these techniques work for me because I, like many professional comedians, am a terrible actor.  If I lie other people can tell.  If I embellish a story or offer a insincere flattery it shows.  So, I use this to my advantage.  When a cops ask me if I know how fast I was going I answer honestly.  If I was speeding I say so.  If I thought I wasn't I say that.  I don't expect any special treatment and they can tell.  Most cops are good at detecting nervous ticks and tells and I believe when they feel I'm not trying to bull shit them they appreciate it. 

Cops have to deal with a lot of crap.  I imagine working as a police officer is a lot like being the manager at the lost luggage claims desk of an airline company.  Everyone you meet at your job is having a bad day, and most of them blame you for it.  After a day of people lying, swearing, or even spitting at you think of how nice it must be when someone admits they were at fault and accepts any decision you wish to make.  This, more than anything else, is what helps me keep my insurance rates so low.  Of course that's not the only thing...

While I admit I am not the best driver in the world (having been in one accident and a few near misses) I am a responsible driver.  I rarely speed, and almost never drive more than 10 miles over the speed limit.  I signal when I'm supposed to, stay off my phone (mostly) when I'm not supposed to be on it, and if I run over a pedestrian I always leave a note for their next of kin.  I'm not sure how much of this cops keep track of, but clearly it's enough to help my cause.   Three years ago I was pulled over because I failed to slow down while entering a school zone.  After the cop took my license and did a background check she walked back to my car and asked if I had EVER had a ticket in my life.  I told her about my one ticket 10 years prior and she complimented me on my good record and said she wasn't going to be the one to ruin it.  If only every cop could be so kind.

It helps that my record is void of any serious crimes.  I've never been drunk, or in the possession of drugs.  I've never done anything that's caused injury or damage.  And thankfully every time I've been pulled over my trunk has been void of a dead body.  These are the kind of flags I think most cops look for in a driving record.  My failure to come to a complete stop hardly qualifies. 

All this being said, I'm not naive enough to believe that my being white isn't an advantage and hasn't helped get me out of some trouble.  As I said before I don't believe any of the officers who pulled me over gave me special treatment because of my race, but I'm sure there are cops out there who do let stereotypes sway their opinion of some people.  I'd be lying if I said I had never done the same at some point to someone (and thanks to my terrible acting, you could tell).  However, believing a cop is racist does nothing to help you get out of a ticket.  Someone who is trained to read body language is going to get a pretty negative feeling from someone who is assuming they are a dick.  In this sense a fear of a ticket can become a self fulfilling prophecy. 

In case you are wondering happened the one time I got a ticket...  It was when I was 18-years-old and was driving on the interstate in Montana in the middle of the night.  At the time I was driving a mini-van but I was still cruising in the 90's in a 75mph zone.  When the cop pulled me over he said "I clocked you going 84."  Without missing a beat I said, "Yup.  Yup you did."  He laughed and eventually gave me a $20 ticket.  At least I got a laugh out of it. 

Whether right or wrong I choose to believe that most cops, like most people, are at their core good people.  Treat them as such and they will hopefully return the favor.  And if that doesn't help get you out of your next ticket it might help to show some cleavage. 

Canadian Currency - It's a Little Loonie

The next time you travel to Canada, leave your pennies at home.  This month our neighbors to the north discontinued their smallest currency after realizing that it is as stupid as it is worthless. 


Pennies, both Canadian and American, are impractical on many levels.  For starters they cost almost 2.5 cents to make.  Then when they go into circulation, they don't circulate.  Most make it through one or two transactions before ending up in jars, couch cushions, or discarded on the sidewalk.  Without them being spent the mint has to make more for banks to distribute to stores, which then end up in jars and cushions and the cycle continues. 

Canada has finally decided to break the cycle, but efforts to do the same in the U.S. have run into a brick wall called special interests.  A penny advocacy group called Americans for Common Cents (a name that is as stupid as their goal) claims two thirds of Americans want to keep the penny for it's historic and cultural value.  You know that figure can be trusted too, because the group is funded by the zinc industry that helps the government make the pennies.  It's reasons like this why contries like Canada think our money is a joke.  And remind you, that's coming from a country that calls it's dollar the Loonie.

It's not just the Canadian dollar that's loony.  All of the money is a little funny.  Their dollar is a coin that gets it's name from the loon bird on the back.  It has become so popular they starty circulating a two-dollar coin called the... wait for it... Toonie.  Canadian bills aren't much better.  No silly names like the coins, but they do come in a variety of Monopoly colors and they include anti-counterfeit features that seem the stuff of science fiction.

Starting two years ago Canada began introducing new plastic polymer bills to replace the old paper ones.  The bills have a smooth silky feel, which I'm sure is a relief to strippers who suffered with a stuffed g-string chaffing.  Dancer benefits aside, the polymer lasts twice as long as paper bills and is a lot harder for counterfeiters to duplicate.  Other security features include clear windows with magnetic reflective holograms, raised ink and braille marks for the blind, and I kid you not.. a scratch and sniff maple leaf.  That's right the science that has been entertaining Kindergarten students is now keeping criminals from money laundering.  

Even with Canada's innovations there is one thing that makes U.S. bills superior.  They, unlike those of our Zamboni driving neighbors, don't have the queen's face on them.  I like to tease my Canadian friends with this fact, but as one of them pointed out to me on my last visit, if you squint your eyes at George Washington he looks a lot like her highness. 

My New Year's Comedy Resolutions

Another year has come and gone and despite the Mayan's best guess it looks like the Earth is going to keep looping the sun for another 365.25 days.  That means it's time for us as a society to take a look at our lives and decide what resolutions we want to make for the coming year.  We will then abandon those resolutions by the Rose Bowl kickoff. 

Instead of the traditional vows of losing weight and otherwise improving one's self I thought I would make some vows for my 2013 comedy career.  By posting them online I am hoping the social pressure from my three readers will encourage me to follow them through.  Those who are still going to the gym in February can feel free to criticize me for any of the following goals I don't seem to keep.  





Resolution #1:  More time writing humorous comedy blogs and less time testing my virus software with sketchy porn sites.

Resolution #2:  Write less jokes about Midgets, and more jokes about Dwarfs.

Resolution #3:  Perform comedy for the troops.  Preferably American troops.

Resolution #4:  Stop dressing in a Super Hero Costume to go see a movie.  Especially if it's a romantic comedy.

Resolution #5:  Accept receding hairline and consider becoming a "hat guy."

Resolution #6:  This year I will throw a shot glass at a heckler BEFORE they throw one at me.

Resolution #7:  At least one topical joke a day.  Odds are after 365 one of them should be funny. 

Resolution #8:  Work on digital shorts... something about nut shots perhaps....

Resolution #9:  Figure out how Twitter works.

Resolution #10:  No more jokes about negative stereotypes.  That's the kind of lazy thing (insert minority here) comics do.

Resolution #11:  Listen to more educational audio books while on road trips.  Books like "50 shades of Gray."

Resolution #12:  Start writing jokes for the 2016 election.

World Series of Comedy

It's the greatest comedy competition you've never heard of.  And this year I was there in the thick of it.

It's called the World Series of Comedy(WSOC), an annual event in Las Vegas where over 100 comics from around the US and Canada come to compete and more importantly, network.  If you've read my blog before (and chances are you haven't) you know that I am no fan of comedy competitions.  To me they are a necessary evil that we comedians must do to get work and recognition.  The World Series of Comedy is slightly different for several reasons.

First of all there is no prize money at all.  This may seem like a crazy idea, but since in most competitions the winner is the only comedian who takes home any money, I never go to a competition with the thought that it will be profitable.  Instead of  money the comedians who take the top spots at the WSOC win weeks of work as a feature at various clubs around the country.  Comics who make the top 8 are guaranteed at least one week of work, while the winner can basically fill his or her entire calendar for a year.  To comedians this is far more valuable than most cash prizes.  It's like the story of teaching a man to fish, except in this case the fish is a club in the Midwest.

Another reason this is better than other competitions is because the shows are judges by club owners and bookers. These same bookers also take part in a meet and greet event, where comedians have a chance to shake their hands and ask questions about how to get into their clubs.  As any comic knows, one of the hardest parts of the industry is getting a booker to watch your material, and when they are forced to watch your set and then meet you personally it is a golden opportunity.

In addition to the comedy the WSOC also includes chances for comedians to get new head shots (which I did), attend joke writing seminars, and socialize with several planned events such as a bowling night and poker tournament.  Basically it is like a convention of comedians, which is an interesting mix of boredom and excitement. 

As far as the competition side of the event goes there is good news and bad news for comedians.  On the plus side there are very few big name comedians at the event, as most headlining comedians aren't interested in getting feature work at clubs that they already headline at.  On the negative side there are over 300 comedians who submit to the competition, of which only 101 get invited to the main event, 50 of those have to compete with a five minute set in a wild card round to get a spot in the main competition.  With so many comedians it's hard to shine.  Fortunately for me, the tape I submitted was good enough that I was granted a spot in the main competition and I was able to skip a lot of the early rounds.  Despite this, and despite a decent but not great set, I didn't move on to the finals. 

Another plus, as far as competitions go is that the comedians who do win, are almost always the best comedians.  Something that is very rare at competitions (see my previous blog).

Because the competition is judged by bookers who have seen a lot of comedy they can often weed out a genuinely good comedian from a group of average ones.  The winner of this year's event was a comic named Landry.  Earlier this year he won the Boston Comedy Festival, and by almost all accounts he is an amazing comic.  Even so, I've talked to some bookers who had complaints he used a stock joke in his set:  "Once you go black, your a single mom."  (An original joke, but a premise that has been beaten to death by black comics.)

While I didn't move on to the finals I was selected by the organizer of the event as one of his top 10 favorite comics.  According to the e-mail he sent to bookers I was one of the comics who almost won my round and could have possibly won the entire thing on any other night.  This will hopefully help me get a foot in the door with some of the clubs.

It has been two weeks since the competition and I have just started my follow-up e-mails to clubs trying to get work.  It's hard to say if I will get any work out of the competition.  Even if I do I may not know it for almost a year. 

Comics always ask me if I think the World Series of Comedy is worth the investment of traveling to Las Vegas and spending a week in a hotel room.  I always encourage them to do it.  I understand the fear of spending a good deal of money on something that has no guarantee to pay off.  That kind of money is even more scary when you get paid as little as a comedian does.  But you have to think of it as an investment in yourself.  If you always do, what you've always done. You'll always get what you always got.

It doesn't matter if you're the funniest comedian in the world.  If someone from the industry doesn't get a chance to see you the only people you will ever make laugh are your friends at an open mic. 

Read My Blog, My Mom Says It's Really Good

I've been getting a lot of positive feedback about this blog.  And by that I mean my Mom keeps telling me it's really good.

Of course, just because she's my biggest fan doesn't mean she's my only one.  I do get a lot of encouraging comments from friends and fans who read it.  None of them ever write anything in the comments section of the blog, but TRUST ME they are real people. 

Since I've started writing this blog it has gotten more than 1,200 page views.  To put that in perspective, that's as many views as a video of a cat playing pick-a-boo will get on Youtube in 83 seconds.  With this kind of following it's a mystery that I haven't been offered the head writer job of my own sitcom already.  I'm sure I will get a phone call any day now with that offer, but until I do I promise I will keep up with the demand from both of the people who have signed up as regular followers of this blog.

To be honest I never have considered myself a good writer.  I've always felt I can write a decent joke, but when it comes to a professional publication I fit in as well as Shakespeare would writing dialog for Wrestlemania. 

Ernest Hemingway said writing a novel is one of four things a man must do in his life to prove his manhood.  If that's true I might as well hang up my testicles now.  I have a better chance at fighting a bull (one of the other four things Hemingway mentioned.)  Still, if a million monkeys sitting at typewriters can eventually write the next great novel, a stand-up comedian with too much free time should eventually be able to produce a decent blog.

As I've mentioned before, my parents are the ones who encouraged me to pursue stand-up comedy.  After realizing how little money I make doing that they've turned their attention to this blog as a potential career path.  Lately they've been encouraging me to see if I can use it as a launching point to get a regular humor column in a newspaper or magazine much like Dave Barry and Patrick McManus.

I have no idea how you would get a job like that, but I'm sure it doesn't include the phrase: "Read my blog.  My Mom says it's really good."

Odds are, if you are reading this then you've probably seen me perform stand-up comedy and picked up my promo card after the show.  If so, thanks for the support.  Please tell a friend.

It's my understanding that if enough people start reading this blog on a regular basis then eventually I can make some money with ads through blogspot.  I don't imagine it's a lot of money, but speaking as a road comic who just spent three days living on Hot Pockets, I could use the cash. 

Some people have turned their blog into a big money maker.  Comedian and expert story teller Mike Birbiglia has tens of thousands of followers on his blog: "My Secret Public Journal."  He has been able to use that following to get a regular spot on a national radio program and produced two comedy albums telling stories straight from his blog. 

The twitter feed "Shit My Dad Says" gained over 3 million viewers and eventually lead to an ill fated sitcom on CBS.  Sure no one remembers it, but at least it was better than that Geico Caveman show. 

I would be greatly surprised if I ever make money as a writer.  To me this blog is just a fun thing to do and share with some friends and fans.  Of course there was a time when I never thought I would make a career out of stand-up comedy.  And now I make enough take-home to place me just above the poverty line.  That's a lot better than most comics and writers can say...