Tuesday, January 1, 2013

My New Year's Comedy Resolutions

Another year has come and gone and despite the Mayan's best guess it looks like the Earth is going to keep looping the sun for another 365.25 days.  That means it's time for us as a society to take a look at our lives and decide what resolutions we want to make for the coming year.  We will then abandon those resolutions by the Rose Bowl kickoff. 

Instead of the traditional vows of losing weight and otherwise improving one's self I thought I would make some vows for my 2013 comedy career.  By posting them online I am hoping the social pressure from my three readers will encourage me to follow them through.  Those who are still going to the gym in February can feel free to criticize me for any of the following goals I don't seem to keep.  

Resolution #1:  More time writing humorous comedy blogs and less time testing my virus software with sketchy porn sites.

Resolution #2:  Write less jokes about Midgets, and more jokes about Dwarfs.

Resolution #3:  Perform comedy for the troops.  Preferably American troops.

Resolution #4:  Stop dressing in a Super Hero Costume to go see a movie.  Especially if it's a romantic comedy.

Resolution #5:  Accept receding hairline and consider becoming a "hat guy."

Resolution #6:  This year I will throw a shot glass at a heckler BEFORE they throw one at me.

Resolution #7:  At least one topical joke a day.  Odds are after 365 one of them should be funny. 

Resolution #8:  Work on digital shorts... something about nut shots perhaps....

Resolution #9:  Figure out how Twitter works.

Resolution #10:  No more jokes about negative stereotypes.  That's the kind of lazy thing (insert minority here) comics do.

Resolution #11:  Listen to more educational audio books while on road trips.  Books like "50 shades of Gray."

Resolution #12:  Start writing jokes for the 2016 election.