I BET YOU that if you go into any given casino in the country and ask if they have a comedy show they will tell you yes. At least the odds are a lot better than any slot machine you'll find. Comedy in a casino is a tradition going back to the early days of Vegas and today it is staying alive in small American Indian casinos in almost every state. Only instead of a professional performance with a live band like the Rat Pack used to have, you can expect a stage right off the casino floor accompanied by the noise of slot machines.
About a third of all comedy shows that I do are in casinos. They have helped fill a void that has been left by many closed comedy clubs. When the economy was crashing for most of the country, casinos thrived and thankfully they are bringing comedy along for the ride.
The problem with performing in a casino is it's rarely a good show. Because the casino is just trying to bring in people the show is usually free. That means the audience has no investment in the show and talks the entire time. The noise from the casino floor is also a constant distraction. And most of the audience is either drunk, or seriously pissed because they just lost a mortgage payment at the craps table.
Despite all these problems casinos love comedy shows. For them it's a sure bet. They attract a lot of people on otherwise slow nights who come in and lose a lot of money. Comedians can be hired for relatively low costs with the knowledge that many of them will lose half their paycheck before they leave. In fact the first time I ever performed at a casino I saw the comedian I was working with lose his entire pay for the night in 10 minutes at a craps table. This happened about 5 minutes after he bragged about being a professional gambler and about 2 minutes before he swore that this sort of thing never happened to him before.
I myself dabble in the gambling, but thankfully so far I haven't lost an entire paycheck. At least I'm not going to admit that in a blog that my wife can read. I like to group gambling options at casinos into three categories. First there are slot machines for those who would like to lose their money slowly, but without having to think too much. Next there are gaming tables such as blackjack and craps for those who like to lose their money quickly but in front of a crowd of strangers. And finally there is sports betting for those who like to lose their money while watching their favorite team lose.
Slot machines have a very simple premise. Push a button, lose some money. Push it again, win a little of it back. Push it again and lose some more money. Repeat until you have no money left. I've been told the only way to win at a slot machine is to play as many lines as possible and max the bets for each line. Then pray that you hit a big payout quickly and then walk away. To my knowledge this has never worked for anyone, ever. It is however a really interesting way to lose lots of money very fast. Even if you play the penny slots you can still manage to lose nearly $20 a pull by betting every line to the max. Imagine trying to explain how you lost $500 in an hour by making one cent bets.
Table games are a little more fun because then you are at least playing with other people. Misery loves company and that way when the dealer hits blackjack you can take solace in knowing that you may have lost five bucks, but at least you're not the poor sucker next to you who just dropped $300.
I will admit many of the table games confuse me. Probably the worst of these is the famous dice game craps. I've heard that the odds at a craps table are the best you will find in a casino, but then again it's the casino that likes to say this. The most confusing part about a craps table is there are about 50 thousand different bets you can do. To make things simple I put money where other people are putting money. If they cheer when the dice are rolled I know I'm winning. If they swear I am reminded that I shouldn't be playing casino games when I don't know the rules.
Sports betting can be a fun way to make a game more interesting, but casinos take it so far it requires a graphing calculator to keep up with what's happening. Forget betting on who beats the spread. In Vegas you can put in side bets about which team wins the coin toss, which team will have the first injury time out, and what cheerleaders will be shown when the TV cuts to commercial break.
Some gamblers can actually win a lot of money on sports by doing research and comparing performances, and other boring things. Casinos don't have to worry too much about those guys because for every one of them there are a thousand more like me who like to put our money on which horse has the best pun for a name.
When you look at the big picture I can't imagine casinos are that interested in gamblers like me. I will lose $5 at the penny slots while drinking $20 in free drinks, meanwhile there are buses of old people betting $50 a hand at blackjack in a desperate attempt to make sure their children have no inheritance. Of course my luck runs out when those people decide to take a break from their decline into poverty by checking out the casino's free comedy show.
Sometimes I can hear them mumble as the take their seats, "This guy better be funny enough to help me forget that I just lost $2000." That's a show where the odds are never in my favor.
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